Let’s Be Real July 13, 2009

DISCLAIMER: This post IS NOT me throwing a pity party or a call for attention.  Please don’t read it as that. It’s me simply sharing my heart.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made PERFECT in weakness.’ Therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, and in difficulties. For when i am weak, then i am strong.”

I read that and i think, “YEA! AWESOME! When i am weak HE is strong. ALRIGHT!” But if you’ve ever tried to boast about your weakness in the smack dead middle of it, you know that it is one of the hardest things to do.  This is what my life has been for the past couple weeks.

I went back and forth in my head on whether i wanted to blog about this cause i didn’t want to be the guy who gives WAY TOO MUCH information about his life on his blog, but i’m gonna be real, and I’m not ashamed. Plus if there are any of you out there that are struggling with this i think you need to know that you’re not alone and NONE of us have it all together. I’ve heard many people say that the most comforting 2 words you could hear anyone say are, “Me too.”… So here it is:

I have clinical depression. Yep. I said it. And it’s true. A couple months ago if anyone would have told me this i would have freaked out but everyday it’s becoming less and less of a big deal and i am slowly and not always successfully learning to live with it and fight against it.  It’s weird to wake up on random days and feel like there’s no hope for no apparent reason, it’s hard to have the joy sucked out at any given moment, and it’s a strange feeling being in a crowd and wanting to escape for a second just so you can stop faking the smile.  It’s the hardest thing i’ve ever gone through but it’s also making me stronger by the day and for that i praise God. I’m learning to thank him for this and not get mad at him for putting me through it.  Because we know that whatever hardship we go through, it is making us stronger so that we can face the even harder things in life.  There are a couple reason’s why i tell you this:

1. I think the Lord wants to use it to reach people and to bring him glory. I don’t want to stay silent and hold this thing inside of me and let everyone think, just because i’m up on stage that i’m a perfect little Christian and do everything right. Nothing could be further from the truth, i am just as, if not more, broken than the next person.  I want all of you out there that do struggle with this to not feel alone. There is hope and HE is stronger.  Jesus says in John 15 that we can do NOTHING apart from him. So if you’re in the middle of this, do not try to find strength in yourself, abide in him and let him be your strength.

2. I felt like the Lord wanted me to get it out there. So there it is.

So yea, my summer has been quite interesting with balancing leading worship, learning how to be really busy and still keep my head on straight, and fighting depression.  But God is so good and he is making me stronger with each battle. That’s how he works. Proverbs 3:12 says, “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his repuke, for the Lord disciplines those he loves as a father the son he delights in.”  He is not against you, He is not far, He has not left, in fact he is closer than ever and he is making you and me stronger with every tear, every scar, every bruise, every fight, every win, every loss, and every battle because he is stronger. Let him be your strength no matter what it is you’re going through. 

Sorry for the novel of a post but i just felt like i needed to get all that out there.  Take it for what it is. I hope it’s encouraging and challenging all at the same time.  

If you are struggling with depression and you just want someone to vent to or ask questions or you just need some encouragement. Feel free to email me at bstanfill7889@mac.com

I’ll leave you with a quote… peace.

“God longs for my awareness that his divine love holds me, and that awareness brings healing and a sense of wholeness. God’s love is there in the darkness of depression with me, there next to me in my little locked house, sharing my pain, holding me closely, and offering the light of his love.” Jim Palmer “Divine Nobodies”

Jesus and Protein = Synonyms June 19, 2009

I want to start by saying this… I absolutely LOVE my job and i really can’t believe I’m doing this. With that said, these past couple weeks has been the first time in a while that i have been REALLY busy and although it’s really great and i feel beyond blessed and humbled to be doing this, i’m learning the hard way.  I shall explain…

As i said, starting Sunday June 7th i have not gone a day without leading or playing music somewhere and it won’t stop until this sunday the 21st and it’s been so great! I love it.  But somewhere along the way i lost track of exactly what i was doing and why i was doing it, the busyness took over and all i could focus on was getting from one place to another and doing what i needed to do for each session or camp.  Praise the Lord for grace because He has still been faithful to show up and move in people’s hearts despite my lack of focus but i’ve been somewhere else these past couple weeks and it didn’t hit me till yesterday when i was finally able to sit down with God and be honest.  He led me to Hebrews 12:1-3

^“1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

Right now i am running a race that has been marked out by Jesus. Every camp, every session, every song, every note, every car ride, everything is part of this race and it’s really easy to get tired and apathetic.  At the start of this race (june 7th) i was ready to go and running at a full sprint, but after a couple miles i got tired, slowed down, and totally lost track of where i was going.  I wasn’t seeking God’s heart for direction, i became selfish, my pride puffed up, and i just plain forgot why i do this.  I really hate that this happened but God has used this to teach me so much.  It’s a simple truth and in the back of my mind i know it but reading verse 2 yesterday it just hit me: The only way to run with endurance and perseverance throughout this entire race is by FIXING OUR EYES ON JESUS! He is our strength, he is our hope, he is the author and perfecter of our faith and if we look to him we will find strength and begin to have his heart for every situation. This is the piece i have been missing for the first leg of this summer, my eyes were not looking to the reason i lead worship, Jesus.  I got tired and went from a sprint to a slow jog and then to an exhausted walk.  

The cool thing about God teaching me this now is, this is the start of many busy summers and seasons of life, He’s just teaching me how to be busy and still have a healthy, growing, relationship with Him.  I lived, i learned, and hopefully, as busy seasons come and go, i’ll be able to remember where my eyes need to be lookin.

God’s grace is so amazing.  I fail in so many ways but he STILL uses me and loves me.

Amazing Grace (Fellowship Church) May 11, 2009

I’m gonna be totally honest with you… i just laughed at the title of this post. Guilty:/ I’ve realized by people’s reactions to my jokes that i am really good at making bad jokes and really bad at making good ones.  So there… That has nothing to do with what i intended this post to be about.

Last week was an interesting week full of good talks, hard talks, good times, tough times, good people, and not really any bad people but it ended with a great big bang yesterday.  Mothers day. HAPPY (late) MOTHERS DAY! Half of my band and i led at Grace Fellowship Church all day long and it was a really good day.  I always get so nervous before leading at Grace because Aaron (Keyes) is the worship pastor there and the voice inside me that tells me i have to “perform” well convinces me that i have some pretty big shoes to fill.  The truth is though, i don’t. The shoes that i feel like i have to fill don’t even exist… there are no shoes!  All i have to do is be who God as made me to be as a leader. As Carrie (the amazing woman who runs production at Grace) says, “Remember, you’re not filling in for Aaron, you’re here to lead us in worship.”  I don’t think I’ll ever forget her telling me that.  

There is this constant battle that goes on inside of me before, and even as, i lead worship (i spoke of it in “2 for 2 baby”). It’s the “Who You Wanna Please?” battle.  See i can go into a service terrified because i feel like i have to perform and please the people with my creative guitar chords and smooth scripture references or i can go into it resting in God’s grace, trusting in the Holy Spirit to lead me, and seeking to please the Lord and the Lord only.  I wish i could say i choose the ladder of the 2 every time but i sadly and humbly admit that i seldom choose to please the Lord first.  To put it bluntly, i worship acceptance. I think we all do to a certain extent.  The good news is Jesus is a lot stronger than our desire to be accepted or liked. (phew)  The question for me  is, which one is going to be my God? Jesus or other people’s opinions of me? Who’s approval am i going to care about?  Jesus’ or other people’s? When i step on stage it’s not about me, it’s not about the congregation, it’s not about the music, it’s about Jesus. 

Yesterday leading at Grace was not good because the music was good or people raised their hands and sang really loud. It was good for me because i felt like my desire was to please the Lord and not the people.  It’s so much more fulfilling that way! I think this is one of the biggest things we, as worshipers, need to understand.  It’s so huge.  

It was a great Mothers Day. Here’s the set we did:

Came to the Rescue (Hillsong), Living for Your Glory (tim hughes), Glory to God (fee), Highest and Greatest  (tim hughes).

2 for 2 Baby May 2, 2009

This is twice in 2 days… Wow. I’m so proud of myself. Maybe this time I’ll keep it up?? I’m not making any promises though. I’ve come to realize that I’m a seasonal blogger, there’s times when I really love it and then there are times when frankly I don’t see the point. I guess today there is a point. I’m sitting at starbucks right now here in Auburn, AL and I’m lovin it, give me some coffee and the morning time after a good night’s sleep and I’m a happy man! I love the morning. All you late night people, you need to wake up (see what I did there?) and see this gift we’ve been given called morning. Haha. Not really, I have nothing against people that enjoy staying up late. Wow. I’m rambling.
Anyway, last night we led for a group of middle schoolers at Auburn Church and it was a great night. We felt good as a band, it felt even better just to get to play together, and much more importantly Jesus was there with us and I think He was pleased. I’m finding that as I lead there is this constant battle inside me, one half of me (let’s call it my flesh) desperately wants to be accepted as a “good” worship leader so I try to perform for the so called “important” people there. And then the other half of me (let’s call this half my spirit) hates the other half and desperately wants to want to please God only. I felt this battle like crazy last night and usually I would have beat myself up for trying to perform but I’m learning to learn from these times and ask the Lord to help me in this battle next time. Instead of feeling like a failure, I realize that God knows my heart and he knows that, “the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.” He knows, and I think is ultimately pleased, by my desire for Him to be the focus. I guess it all comes with growth.

(I’m tired of trying to come up with smooth or clever transitions from one topic to another so from now on I’m not gonna worry about it. If you’re looking for smooth transitions and good punctuation you’re gonna have to look elsewhere.)

2 Things:
1.) If I were to ask you Sleeping Beauty’s (you know? The lethargic Disney princess) actual name would you know the answer? Cause a middle school boy sure did last night during the trivia game. Upon being asked the question he quickly, with NO hesitaion, replied, “_________!” What middle school boy knows that? I have lots of respect for this kid. That’s a real man right there!
2.) I read this book this week called, “Divine Nobodies” by Jim Palmer. It’ll change ya. It sure changed me.

That’s all I got.

It’s Too Late (to pologize) May 1, 2009

Hey. It’s been awhile. I realize that. I’m sorry. Really sorry. This is kinda awkward:/ Anyway, we’re headed to the great Auburn University to play at Auburn Church tonight and I had the random desire to blog so here I go. I absolutely love traveling, especially traveling with these guys! There’s somethin about driving down the interstate blasting music with the windows down that brings me such a contentment. I just can’t describe it… Side note: we may or may not be listening to Taylor Swift right now:/ I don’t care what you say, that girl can write!!
I just met a poet at the gas station we just stopped at and we talked for a bit. His name was (and probably still is) Tracy, he showed me some poems of his and I told him what we do and stuff, we exchanged names and then I wished him luck bought my water and we were on our way. I’m slowly learning that our ministry is not so much on stage as it is off stage in offering a smile or interest in people like Tracy. I think God absolutely loves our worship but I wonder if he’s not more interested in the lives of the people around us. I’m the first one to brush off a stranger because I’m too “busy” or preoccupied. I want to be someone who sees the hurt and does something about it rather than getting awkward and ignoring it. but after all, we’re not supposed to talk to strangers. Right? Thanks Tracy.

an old man’s thoughts on rest. February 7, 2009

i’m back at my house in marietta again and i’m lovin it!  this house is so peaceful which maybe attributed to the fact that i’m sitting by the fire, looking over our sunny back yard, drinking coffee, and all of that is being swallowed up by great music beautifully flowing from the speakers in our kitchen, but i don’t know you can decide for yourself.  peace is the word, indeed it is! i feel like i should be writing a book.  everyone who knows me well knows that i am an old man trapped inside of a 19 year-old’s body, i like to go to bed early, wake up early, drink coffee and read.  the only things that are missing are a newspaper and a wife.  so that’s what i’m doing at this very moment and i’m soaking it up.  and this particular morning is a special morning because i got a new coffee blend yesterday recommended by my good friend Jeremey (he’s from canada); starbucks organic serena. (easily entertained? uh huh) it’s good, if you like coffee you should try it.  i don’t know what it is about me that loves this stuff but i think it comes down to rest.  we’re naturally creatures of “go go go, there’s not enough time in the day, hurry hurry hurry,” and these times by myself in the morning are my escape from that world and the temptation to get caught up in that mindset.  i’m learning that we all need these times and not just these times, we need to live in the mindset of rest.  we gotta stop hurrying, stop stressing, stop freaking out and just rest in the presence of the Lord. ya know? i just read psalm 91 and verse 1 says, “those who live in the shelter of the Most Hight will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”  i love that it says we’ll find rest in the shadow of the Almighty, i don’t know if you ever realized this but your shadow is not far away from you, it’s always right next to you and you can never get away from it.  i’m finding that in these times of solitude in the morning i’m so satisfied because i’m living in the presence of God so naturally i find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  there’s a joy attached to it, a peace, and a knowledge of the presence of God. i pray that i can live every moment of every day like this. that would be freakin awesome! the world would look a lot different if we all lived out of rest in the Lord… we could get rid of car horns, we could silence our phones, we would enjoy each other a lot more than we do now that’s for sure! yea… rest is good.

and the award for the weirdest name in the history of the world goes to… (drum roll) mephibosheth! January 27, 2009

if you’ve never read this, check it out. it’s really stinkin cool…

2 samuel 9

1 One day David asked, “Is anyone in Saul’s family still alive—anyone to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan’s sake?” 2 He summoned a man named Ziba, who had been one of Saul’s servants. “Are you Ziba?” the king asked.  “Yes sir, I am,” Ziba replied.  3 The king then asked him, “Is anyone still alive from Saul’s family? If so, I want to show God’s kindness to them.”  Ziba replied, “Yes, one of Jonathan’s sons is still alive. He is crippled in both feet.” 4 “Where is he?” the king asked.  “In Lo-debar,” Ziba told him, “at the home of Makir son of Ammiel.” 5 So David sent for him and brought him from Makir’s home. 6 His name was Mephibosheth^[a]; he was Jonathan’s son and Saul’s grandson. When he came to David, he bowed low to the ground in deep respect. David said, “Greetings, Mephibosheth.” Mephibosheth replied, “I am your servant.” 7 “Don’t be afraid!” David said. “I intend to show kindness to you because of my promise to your father, Jonathan. I will give you all the property that once belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will eat here with me at the king’s table!” 8 Mephibosheth bowed respectfully and exclaimed, “Who is your servant, that you should show such kindness to a dead dog like me? 9 Then the king summoned Saul’s servant Ziba and said, “I have given your master’s grandson everything that belonged to Saul and his family. 10 You and your sons and servants are to farm the land for him to produce food for your master’s household.^[b] But Mephibosheth, your master’s grandson, will eat here at my table.” (Ziba had fifteen sons and twenty servants.) Ziba replied, 11 “Yes, my lord the king; I am your servant, and I will do all that you have commanded.” And from that time on, Mephibosheth ate regularly at David’s table,^[c] like one of the king’s own sons. 12 Mephibosheth had a young son named Mica. From then on, all the members of Ziba’s household were Mephibosheth’s servants. 13 And Mephibosheth, who was crippled in both feet, lived in Jerusalem and ate regularly at the king’s table.

2 samuel 19:24-30

24 Now Mephibosheth,^[a] Saul’s grandson, came down from Jerusalem to meet the king. He had not cared for his feet, trimmed his beard, or washed his clothes since the day the king left Jerusalem. 25 “Why didn’t you come with me, Mephibosheth?” the king asked him. 26 Mephibosheth replied, “My lord the king, my servant Ziba deceived me. I told him, ‘Saddle my donkey^[b] so I can go with the king.’ For as you know I am crippled. 27 Ziba has slandered me by saying that I refused to come. But I know that my lord the king is like an angel of God, so do what you think is best. 28 All my relatives and I could expect only death from you, my lord, but instead you have honored me by allowing me to eat at your own table! What more can I ask?” 29 “You’ve said enough,” David replied. “I’ve decided that you and Ziba will divide your land equally between you.” 30 “Give him all of it,” Mephibosheth said. “I am content just to have you safely back again, my lord the king!”

these past couple days i have come to realize and love the fact that i am and will always be mephibosheth (i can’t get over how weird of a name that is).  i’m just a random crippled, dirty, and deceived dude that doesn’t deserve anything i’ve been given, but for some reason i get to sit at the table of the King.  as of today i have enjoyed my new name-tag but these past couple days were pretty rough.  coming to the realization that you’re such a mess, filled with pride, selfishness, and the need to be accepted is never a fun thing but that pretty much sums up my weekend.  it was cool though, in a really weird way.  i think i just took humility a little too far and began to beat myself up over every little thing i was doing wrong.  anyway, the Lord led me to this story on monday morning and for that i am so grateful.  i love that mephibosheth did nothing to get to the place he got, i love that he was crippled, i love that when he came to meet david he was dirty and unshaven, i love that he was deceived and wronged, and i loved his response when david offers to give his land back, he says, “give him all of it, i am content just to have you safely back again, my lord the king.”  mephibosheth paints such an amazing picture of what we are as children of God.  we are crippled, inadequate, undeserving people who experience God’s grace, kindness, and forgiveness everyday.  the hard part about this is rejoicing in our mephibosheth-ness.  ha.  we’re not supposed to walk around drowning in self pity and shame, we are sitting at the table of the King and He doesn’t care about our inadequacies, He doesn’t see our brokenness, He wants us to enjoy the feast in front of us.  when we accept our state of brokenness and find joy in the fact that His grace abounds all the more, we start to feel the goodness of God.  man this is good stuff!!! 

-b

a couple songs that come to mind… leeland -“carried to the table” and john mark mccmillan- “carbon ribs”

so yesterday… yes, that was a hillary duff reference! January 26, 2009

yesterday had it’s ups and downs but in all it was a great day.  my band and i led at grace fellowship church here in snellville, ga all day; 6 hours of sleep, 3 services, 8 hours at the church… all in a days work.  on saturday night i was feeling really intimidated and anxious to lead at grace because i felt like i had some big shoes to fill, but it was good in a way because i knew i wasn’t going to be able to do it on my own.  i had to be 100% dependent on the Lord, as it should be all the time, to give me strength, boldness, and words and for the first 2 services that was exactly the case.  all i could do was trust that He would work through my inadequacies and He did just that.  i felt comfortable, bold, and most importantly i was able to be myself.  God was really moving in that room and everyone felt it, it was great.  our set was broken into 2 parts, 2 up front and 3 in the back.  we did:

let God arise (chris tomlin)

highest and greatest (tim hughes)

and then…

hosanna (hillsong)

how great is our God (tomlin)

mighty to save (hillsong)

i learned a lot, and have been learning a lot, about being dependent on the Lord.  He deserves the glory and we have no right to rob Him of any of it.  i have nothing to offer Him as a worship leader except for my heart and that’s all i need to give Him.  the rest will follow. everything i have been given, my gifts, talents, and words, is from Him and my job is to be an empty vessel filled by God and following God.  it was funny because the first service went really smoothly and i felt really good about it because i was relying on Him for everything.  but during the second service, for a second, i thought i could do it on my own and the minute i thought that i forgot some lyrics and messed something else up.  God says, “I am the Lord; that is my name! I will not give my glory to another or my praise to idols.” ( isaiah 42:8 ) i’m just sick of it being about me or anything else but God and i’m not sure how to get the place where it’s not about me.  i guess i’m on the road to figuring that out, although i don’t think i’ll ever reach the end of that road. pride’s a sucker, i’ve begun to really resent pride. if i could fight one person, it would be pride.  but first i have to figure out how to make pride into a human that i could actually fight… :/

         anyway, that leads me to my next point, the 5:15 service… it was a little rocky. aaron joined up with us for that service which i was really excited about but that turned out to be the thorn in my side.  i wanted aaron to hear my band so i could get some feedback from him and stuff, but i/we wanted that so bad that it turned into us trying hard to impress him.  i feel so stupid writing that but that’s what was going on in my head and the root…. p.r.i.d.e.  so as a result, we all felt like the evening service was rough, musically at least.  i was unprepared as a leader and didn’t have much to say, i stumbled over words and couldn’t really focus.  we all we’re quite humbled.  our set, for what it’s worth was:

glory to God (fee)

marvelous light (charlie hall)

and then at the back we did…

hear us from heaven (jared anderson)

inside out (hillsong)

hosanna (hillsong)

it was a good day and the good thing about falling on your face is; you learn a lot from it.  we (my band) are slowly realizing that this whole thing is a journey and we’ve got a long way to go.  we can’t expect to be doing this perfectly overnight.  it’s gonna take a lot of us trying, failing, succeeding, and picking ourselves up again before we get the place we want be. 

what’s been goin down January 23, 2009

my band and i got the privilege of going to california a couple weeks ago and let me tell you, if you ever get a chance to go to california… go!!  it was the most beautiful place i have been in a really long time, maybe in my whole life.  we spent a couple days in big bear in the snow at the actual camp we we’re leading at and after that we got to spend a few days in santa clarita and l.a. hanging out and seeing all there is to see in california.  we did everything from skiing to riding front row on X2, the roller coaster at six flags magic mountain. (check out some pics of the trip)

more freakin sweet mtns

anders and i

drive up to big bear

all of us at a look out stop on the drive up to big bear (sweet pose van, far left)

bobby, me, then bassist (walking away) in l.a.

ventura beach

us at ventura beach

 i say all this to lead into what i’m actually trying to say cause without the goodness of God, all of that wouldn’t really matter. it’s just so easy to see the works of the Lord when you’re in a place as beautiful as that. everything we did and saw had the face of God plastered on it.  His goodness was pretty overwhelming.  it was also very humbling to think that God brought us across the country to a place as beautiful as that to worship Him and lead these students in worship.  and from a leading aspect i really enjoyed it because i felt like i saw the beginning of finding who i am as a worship leader. i was me and it felt really good to not try to be my brother, or steve fee, or any of the worship leaders that i look up to, i was just me.  

         since that trip, i haven’t really stopped feeling His goodness in my everyday life and it’s been a great couple weeks.  i’m really learning how to rest in the Lord and it’s the most freeing feeling to stop working for God and just rest in His goodness and compassion. these past couple months have been a pretty intense breaking, humbling, and healing process so this new water has been really refreshing.  i’m loving it and i challenge you to begin resting in the Lord and always knowing how much He loves you.  you don’t have to earn His love, really, you don’t.

-b

p.s. a really good song i’m listening to as i write this = “i love the way You love me” – chris mcclarney