DISCLAIMER: This post IS NOT me throwing a pity party or a call for attention. Please don’t read it as that. It’s me simply sharing my heart.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made PERFECT in weakness.’ Therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, and in difficulties. For when i am weak, then i am strong.”
I read that and i think, “YEA! AWESOME! When i am weak HE is strong. ALRIGHT!” But if you’ve ever tried to boast about your weakness in the smack dead middle of it, you know that it is one of the hardest things to do. This is what my life has been for the past couple weeks.
I went back and forth in my head on whether i wanted to blog about this cause i didn’t want to be the guy who gives WAY TOO MUCH information about his life on his blog, but i’m gonna be real, and I’m not ashamed. Plus if there are any of you out there that are struggling with this i think you need to know that you’re not alone and NONE of us have it all together. I’ve heard many people say that the most comforting 2 words you could hear anyone say are, “Me too.”… So here it is:
I have clinical depression. Yep. I said it. And it’s true. A couple months ago if anyone would have told me this i would have freaked out but everyday it’s becoming less and less of a big deal and i am slowly and not always successfully learning to live with it and fight against it. It’s weird to wake up on random days and feel like there’s no hope for no apparent reason, it’s hard to have the joy sucked out at any given moment, and it’s a strange feeling being in a crowd and wanting to escape for a second just so you can stop faking the smile. It’s the hardest thing i’ve ever gone through but it’s also making me stronger by the day and for that i praise God. I’m learning to thank him for this and not get mad at him for putting me through it. Because we know that whatever hardship we go through, it is making us stronger so that we can face the even harder things in life. There are a couple reason’s why i tell you this:
1. I think the Lord wants to use it to reach people and to bring him glory. I don’t want to stay silent and hold this thing inside of me and let everyone think, just because i’m up on stage that i’m a perfect little Christian and do everything right. Nothing could be further from the truth, i am just as, if not more, broken than the next person. I want all of you out there that do struggle with this to not feel alone. There is hope and HE is stronger. Jesus says in John 15 that we can do NOTHING apart from him. So if you’re in the middle of this, do not try to find strength in yourself, abide in him and let him be your strength.
2. I felt like the Lord wanted me to get it out there. So there it is.
So yea, my summer has been quite interesting with balancing leading worship, learning how to be really busy and still keep my head on straight, and fighting depression. But God is so good and he is making me stronger with each battle. That’s how he works. Proverbs 3:12 says, “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his repuke, for the Lord disciplines those he loves as a father the son he delights in.” He is not against you, He is not far, He has not left, in fact he is closer than ever and he is making you and me stronger with every tear, every scar, every bruise, every fight, every win, every loss, and every battle because he is stronger. Let him be your strength no matter what it is you’re going through.
Sorry for the novel of a post but i just felt like i needed to get all that out there. Take it for what it is. I hope it’s encouraging and challenging all at the same time.
If you are struggling with depression and you just want someone to vent to or ask questions or you just need some encouragement. Feel free to email me at bstanfill7889@mac.com
I’ll leave you with a quote… peace.
“God longs for my awareness that his divine love holds me, and that awareness brings healing and a sense of wholeness. God’s love is there in the darkness of depression with me, there next to me in my little locked house, sharing my pain, holding me closely, and offering the light of his love.” Jim Palmer “Divine Nobodies”
MOVE 